Tip 1: Retrain Your Brain
The body holds the key to interpreting potentially dangerous situations. The problem is that the brains of people who were traumatized have been altered. Emotions and instincts are almost always set on red alert. Sound familiar?
To overcome the exhaustion of overactive reactions and never feeling safe, you have to rewire the neural pathways in your brain to make new associations between perceived threats and actual danger to your life. Not an easy task when your brain lights up from remembered threat and sends off 5 alarms. However, it can be learned. Regulating reactivity is a learned skill.
When you give your rational mind half a chance to discern threat-or-no-threat and to calm your nervous system when it sends false alarms. That will be a major victory! (More on how to regulate emotional reactions in another article.)
Fear or anxiety is basically a response to possible threat. The traumatized mind keeps a constant guard up in case another horrific threat occurs. Consequently, the stress mode switch is always on…and that’s what leads to burnout.
Let me give you the simplest way to understand the defense mechanisms used by your sympathetic and parasympathetic brain system. Compare this complex process to an ON/OFF switch. When danger is perceived and feels life-threatening, the switch flips to “ON.” That means that all your energy goes to help your vital organs like lungs and heart as well as muscles that you might need to fight off an attacker or run really fast. Your digestive system is technically shut down and even your brain goes into emergency mode, which means there is no immediate access to your rational thinking, the “problem-solving” part of your brain.
Exhausting. Even if the situation is not really harmful or not of those proportions, giving yourself an “all clear” message is difficult. To flip the self-preservation mode OFF requires practice, lots of practice. Calm will come when you down-regulate the autonomic nervous system and get a rational perspective on the situation. That’s when you can exhale and feel safe.
√ √ Quieting the brain’s defensive mechanisms is one of the most powerful things you can do for a long, happy life. You help your body function optimally instead of burning out.
How do you learn to recognize when whatever threat there is in the environment is something you can handle?
- Become an excellent observer of your own reactions. Kinda like detective work. Strengthen your ability to observe yourself and note whatever is happening physically inside your body – muscle tension, clenched jaw, tight neck, nervous stomach, sense of dread that isn’t clear, what actually is life-threatening and what is not happening at DEFCON level. Ask your self questions like, “Is my life literally in danger right this moment?”
- Practice techniques that strengthen your ability to down-regulate the defensive system when you are safer than your reaction is telling you. Some of the techniques are below. Seek out more techniques. Find what works for you.
- Learn to process incoming threat information more effectively. Slow down and give your mind time to think, not react.
- Calm your body for two minutes and spare your vital organs and digestive system the strain.
How do you learn to down regulate the nervous system reaction to threat?
- Simple breathing techniques where you breathe slowly and slightly deeper than normal work quite well. Try inhaling through your nose and exhaling slowly through your mouth. I find it feels good to make a groaning sound when I exhale. Feels like a wonderful release of tension and getting anything toxic out. Focusing on your breath for two minutes, physically allows your body to flip that switch OFF and rest.
- Yoga stretches and conscious breathing have been scientifically found to be in the top five most effective treatments for post traumatic stress (read Bessel van der Kolk’s (Harvard School of Psychiatry) book The Body Keeps the Score.
- Grounding is an easy, excellent way to bring your mind back to the present when the past intrudes. You can ground your body as well as your mind easily. Place your feet on the ground or floor, feel the chair you are sitting in. Look around you using all your senses – texture, smells, sounds outside and inside the room, then just “see what you see.” By the time you do these exercises, you will be experiencing the present rather than the past.
- Centering might be more like verbalizing or sub-vocalizing to yourself, “Today is Thursday, October 19, 2023. Something I am glad about is ___________.” Or say out loud to yourself, “I’m wearing a green shirt, jeans, and boots right now. I have coped with lots of tough experiences in my life and I will handle this.”
****I highly recommend a short YouTube video from the Crisis Prevention Institute that explains how your autonomic nervous system works: Trauma and the nervous system: A Poyvagal Perspective VIDEO link https://youtu.be/ZdlQRxwT110
TAKEAWAY POINT: I’ll live longer and be healthier if I learn to differentiate real threat from essentially safe circumstances. When I modify my brain’s connections to fear, I can change my self-image for the better too.
Tip 2: Develop Emotional Agility:
You cannot change the past but you can give your traumatic experience more hopeful meaning and purpose. Allow your life to be lived informed about the trauma, but not controlled by it. Instead of remaining powerless about the feelings, thoughts, or beliefs associated to what happened in the past, you can put a new spin on what happened. The goal is to lighten the mental/emotional load you carry.
Ideas for shifting your mindset and emotions:
- An app called PTSD Coach allows you to build your own files of images, recordings, word prompts, audio and video meditations on your phone. You can easily open the app and choose from all the resources. If you don’t find what you need at that moment, they have questions you answer so that the program can offer suggestions. It is hard to think clearly when we feel threatened. Apps like this do a lot of the thinking for us. Of course, you would have customized the menu in advance so that you could use it on the spot.
- Practice emotional agility. Emotional agility is the ability to move back and forth between difficult feelings and neutral or pleasant feelings or memories in order to regain control of your feelings and aid your thinking brain. It is like flexing a muscle to build strength and control of a body part. Instead of feelings controlling you, you control them.
A person who masters emotional agility can intentionally move in and out of opposite feelings.
- Exercise: This may seem counter-intuitive but it helps. First, recall the last time you laughed and remember that as vividly as possible. Allow yourself to smile or laugh or smile when you recall it. This part lightens your body and spirit.).
- Next, pause and breathe.Then briefly remember a time you felt scared. Not the worst fear ever. Imagine that you are only observing the traumatic event. As you slow your breathing again, for two minutes, focus on your breathing as it goes in and out of your nose or mouth.
- From a detached point of view, describe with as much precision and specificity as possible, what feelings accompanied the experience. Being able to paint the picture of an experience helps others get it when you tell them about it.
Congratulations! You have just learned how to use emotional agility! That is the basis of resilience.
Tip 3: Engage your rational mind more than your emotion mind.
Ask yourself questions that stimulate rational thinking.
- How long has it been since I felt like this? (orients you to time and place)
- How did I handle it then? Did it work? If not, knowing what I know now, what would I do differently? (activates rational/evaluation thinking)
- “Is this incident is worth spending all my energy for the day at once?”
I can go with the red alert signal my mind is giving or I can settle my mind and body first, then decide,What alternate actions might conserve my “crisis energy” and return me to a sense of safety?
TAKEAWAY POINT: With a little prep work on the front end and practice, I can set myself up for success. I will help lower my stress levels by shifting my mindset to a more calm and useful way to respond even though my fight, flee, freeze brain has been triggered.
Tip 4: Write a clear statement of WHO you want to be.
Use this template to describe, proactively, what kind of person you intend to become in spite of what happened in the past. This statement sets your trajectory.
Ex. “I am a (use an adjective that describes a character trait) person who is (state a value or belief) and I will (action)________________.
Ex. “I am a resilient woman/man who is committed to bringing value to others and myself and I will align my life with God’s plan for me.”
*You may revise this statement over time as you progress toward your desired goal. The more the statement feels exactly right for you, the better. At first, you may not feel that the statement is true. One way to measure the credibility the statement has in your own mind is to draw a horizontal line with the left end showing a number 1 and the far right end showing the number 7. On a scale from 1 to 7, with 7 being the truest, most believable for you, make a vertical hash mark to represent where you are on that scale today.
1________________________/___________________7
Then a week from now, assess again to see if you are beginning to accept the statement more as true about you. Periodically check in to see how you are progressing toward integrating the belief that you really are that person.
TAKEAWAY POINT: Clarity is the key to success. The more clearly you see the goal and believe you are achieving it, the more likely you will. Transformation happens in small increments but focus and commitment fuel the progress.
Tip 5: Create a Transformation Support Squad
Begin with a list of skills you want to develop. For instance: be able to talk with close friends about my traumatic experiences when I need support. Another example is to build myself up by thinking and speaking of myself without apology or shame.
Expand your feeling words vocabulary so that you can paint the picture for anyone who doesn’t understand.
Learn to use precise and specific words or phrases to describe what you are feeling when obstacles pop up in your path or when you want your ally to celebrate a victory with you.
Create go-to resources or lists of choices, like a menu to consult when you want more knowledge about a topic or support from a larger group of trauma survivors.For example:
(1)calming options
(2)correcting faulty thinking techniques
(3)remembering my self-statement and other affirmations
(4)finding encouraging memes or quotes
(5)make a list of friends I trust and their phone numbers
(6)phone numbers for Crisis Hotline.
Tip 6: Create multiple options for small rituals to celebrate or reward yourself when you achieve even the tiniest success.
For example:
- invite a friend to dinner and share the victory and what it means to you
- buy yourself a bouquet of flowers or single flower that makes you smile
- light a candle and say a prayer of gratitude for the victory and progress toward being the person you want to be.
- Imagine your future self and invite her/him to speak to your soul about what it is like to be there, looking back on all the wonderful work you have done to arrive in the future you desire. Be sure and listen. This may be a spiritual experience. There are many YouTube guided meditations about meeting your future self. I have an audio recording for Christians I can share if you contact me at DrBrenCoaching.info
Tip 7: Ask your coach or a trustworthy friend to be your accountability partner.
Tell this person that you are looking for a helpful accountability partner who will “hold your feet to the fire”, so to speak, as you progress toward making significant changes in how you do life. Tell them why you have chosen to ask them to serve in this capacity…their reliability and trustworthiness,their knowledge of you and your life stresses plus prior victories, their shared beliefs and values, etc.
Note: When asking this person, be sure to clarify exactly what you are expecting from them. If you want to meet in person weekly or every other week, or more often, tell them the frequency and location (in-person or virtual). Ask them whether they are able to make that regular commitment for a year.
Show up, no excuse, for disconnection from your accountability partner. You are investing time (and money if you are working with your coach) in achieving your goals. Remember that it is never a selfish thing to do because the better you are, the better your family, friends, and co-workers will be. Everyone wins!
Tip 8: Create a Victory Board
Cut pictures or words from magazines or your computer printouts that represent your future best self who has achieved victory over old beliefs and programming.
Include inspirational quotes that move you or Bible verses that speak to your heart and encourage you.
Then make a written list of every victory or win no matter how small.
Keep the board in your closet or somewhere you will see it every day. Take a photo of it to keep on your phone for quick encouragement.Celebrate often. Never forget to do this. Sounds a bit corny but it is not. The importance of recognizing and reinforcing victories of any size, is necessary to keep motivation strong, especially when the worst experiences in your life were overlooked, discounted, or ignored by people who were supposed to love you. You will be creating new neural pathways and that pays dividends