5 Things to Do When Your Worst Self Comes Out
Ever Wondered, “What just happened?”
Have you found yourself totally derailed in a conversation that started calmly, then suddenly, you’re fighting and becoming more angry or hurt by the second? If you haven’t, you will sooner or later. Humans who want to be understood, valued, and cared about fall into the trap of dead-end arguments that make things worse all the time. Unfortunately the experience leads to making things worse and each person feeling frustrated and mad at themselves too because they behaved badly, i.e. lost control of their emotions.
Sometimes it boils down to a choice between remaining in loneliness or reaching higher to a divinely inspired kind of love and our best selves.Going higher is not the same as selling-out, clamming up, or giving up. Instead, the process involves believing it is possible to get beyond ourselves and still be ourselves. These are “mindset” issues. They also require character development skills. So, what do you need to do in order to transcend the moment of clash, disconnection, and fear or rage, which is a kind of fear reaction?
Let’s get practical. Every relationship is unique but also holds universal elements that we can influence with the following actions,so long as they are done in respect and love for how God sees each of you, that is, redeemable and capable of change.
Lower the temperature
Basic principle: When you are defensive, you cannot connect. Three types of defensiveness are:
- attack
- Run
- hide (and hope it blows over, which it won’t)
How do you lower and escalating emotional temperature?
- Stop talking -use the universal sign for time-out (one hand placed perpendicular to the other, forming the letter “T”)
- Ask each other (without sarcasm) whether you are willing to slow the conversation down to enable each person to be heard and truly understood. If you cannot agree on that, then agree to distance for 15 minutes and try again after a short beak. Be sure to confirm that both parties are willing to return and try to repair the disconnect. *Remember that trying to prove the other person wrong only results in disconnection. When we can’t put our defense mechanisms down, we are in a battle, not a conversation. Let go of needing to be right or not allowing the other person to be right too. Defensive guardedness is basically, “Every man for himself!” You are not on the same team when that dynamic happens.
Take turns
Now you will be stepping out of your comfort zone, which is the only place that transformational change and character-building take place. So, keep breathing a little slower than usual. The tool I like best at this stage comes for Harville Hendrix’s Imago Relationship Therapy. It is called “Intentional Dialogue.” You may have had training in active listening. Intentional dialogue is similar but there is more to it. (see Getting the Love You Want by Hendrix)
Here are the three stages.
Mirroring: This is not an ordinary style of talking. Instead, it is highly controlled in order to keep the emotions calm and the two people engaged constructively. Here’s what you do.
The two of you decide who will speak first and the other will be the listener. It is critical to be clear what your role is and stay in it until the speaker says, “You got it.” Both people will have a chance to be speaker and listener. As speaker, get to the point and don’t put spin on what you are saying that will trigger anger on the listener. As the listener, no matter what the speaker says, you do not interject your opinion. You simply say back what the speaker said without adding anything. Then say the magic words, “Is there more about that?” or “Did I capture what you mean?” If, the speaker says no, then ask, “Tell me what I missed”then mirror whatever they say. BTW- my husband and I often find an object to be the “talking stick” so that we don’t forget which role we are in. When it is time for the couple to switch roles, the “stick” goes to the new speaker. If needed, take a short break and continue.
Validating: Although this may seem easy, it is not. We don’t realize how often we invalidate others, e.g. “Don’t say that!,” “That’s not true!,” “I don’t feel that way, why’s it such a big deal?,” “You shouldn’t feel that way.” Every human really needs to be validated by people who are supposed to love them. To validate someone who just shared something, you must be able to respond to what they said by saying something like, “I can see what you’re saying,” or “That makes sense.” If you are the listener and can’t at least give the listener that much validation, then you have to invite to explain what they said a different way until you get it.
Saying, “I understand” doesn’t fly. You do not understand unless you can tell the other person what you understood about what they said. When validating, it is of utmost importance to not sound dismissive. Also, validating does not mean that you see it the way they do. It simply means that you get that they’re not crazy for feeling what they do, other people would feel that sometimes too.
Empathize: If you have narcissistic tendencies, this will be hard for you. Empathy is simply trying to imagine what the other person felt when they experienced what they are sharing. Just say, “I imagine that must feel __________.” Insert a feeling word like mad, sad, glad, or scared. You can download a feelings chart from my website with more nuanced feeling words but these four are the basics. Even if you don’t hit the bullseye, it means a lot to have someone try to imagine what it is like to be them. Usually, if they say no, that’s not it, simply ask, “Will you tell me what you felt?” Then say the word they chose back to them.
You’ll get better and better the more you use this technique for defusing conflict.
Constructive actions
- Ask God for help, if you are a person of faith. You might simply say God’s name in a whisper or silent plea. Then wait for a sense of calm to come.
- Affirm something you appreciate about the person who is upsetting you.
- Align your attitude with a win/win goal. You can talk to yourself to reinforce that you want to end up on the same team, if at all possible. State, “We are on the same team. Neither one of us is the enemy.” Satan, insecurity, past wounding, trust issues are the enemy. Good time for slow breathing so you can take that in and focus on it more than the conflict. Most of the time, it’s not about what it’s about. There is more underneath the surface. We walk across the other person’s mine fields thinking all the old buried mines have been defused, but they never are completely.
- Agree, in advance to remind yourselves of the good things about the other and that there is probably more good than bad.
- Acknowledge honestly that relationships aren’t easy and we tend to get self-centered, not even noticing what’s going on with the other person.
Commit to be part of the solution, not the problem.