Ever want to scream because someone who matters to you cannot seem to get you? Or maybe they can’t seem to get their thoughts and feelings across to you? Screaming, of course, only makes it worse. The noise and meaning distortion can halt all willingness to communicate.
You can avoid misunderstandings and unnecessary stress in relationships.
Have you ever been the victim of someone twisting your words around to mean something you didn’t mean? I certainly have experienced that many times in my life, partly because I am an extrovert who tends to think while I’m talking. I expect people to track where I’m going and tolerate my circuitous route to get there. I know that I contribute to the problem. The experience is quite frustrating for me and, I’m sure for the other person, especially when it leads to being judged unfairly or tuned out by a person who matters or has influence over my life. Or maybe, you have a partner who is the reserved, analytic type who has to overthink before letting anyone know what they are thinking. They tend to assume that the other person magically knows how much they’ve thought about what they are saying before it ever reached their voice. Either situation is like a fire where an accelerent fuel has been tossed before the match was lit. The longer it burns, the harder to save the relationship and repair the damage. No one likes to be pre-judged without being understood. Have you ever counted how many times in a single day you have encountered a similar conversation? Happens a lot to most people.
Sometimes people who have incorrectly interpreted what you said, will acknowledge it once they slow down. However, more often they don’t and a battle of who’s right and who’s wrong ensues. Such battles always end in someone having to lose, which is a lose-lose proposition.
Distortion via exaggeration and tone is like the accelerant. Disconnect, defensiveness, and nobody listening is akin to throwing your valuables on the fire. Aren’t the people we love or need valuable? Why do we treat them as inferior and wrong?
I believe that if we all listened to what we ourselves say, we could understand why our loved one reacts. John Gottman, University of Washington renowned scientist and marriage researcher, found that couples who were able to make quick repairs of disconnects and conflicts had the best marriages. Not couples who never irritated each other.
TAKEAWAY: Hope is found in becoming a person who will own their contribution to the problem and will help repair the damage. Emotional intimacy can grow from such patience…mistakes made then quickly repaired allow the two people to remain on the same team rather than act like opponents.
My husband and I frequently remind each other that we are not the enemy. For us, the enemy is Satan, who always wants to weaken what is good in our life together. We have learned to not give in to that enemy and to see each other in a kinder, loving way as much as possible.
Tips for Addressing or Avoiding Distorted Thinking or Behavior
When I worked for the Army, they had a saying, “If you fail to plan, you plan to fail.” The context of going into hostile lands and facing dangerous enemies who want to kill you made this saying real. A Soldier who wasn’t prepared for all possibilities could cause the death of his or her unit, not just themselves. Even though we live in a somewhat safer world, our refusal to prepare ahead of conflict can cost us the loss of relationships that matter. So how to prepare…
1.Set a timer on your phone for 5 minutes. Then, jot down the names of people that tend to evoke this kind of frustration. Note examples of what tends to happen. BTW-the most creative ideas come after we come up with the most obvious ones. Stay open-minded and teachable as you explore the topic.
- Brainstorm what you think might have contributed to the problem in each case. Resist the temptation to only see the other person negatively. Instead, look at what they contributed and what you contributed to the miscommunication. Keep in mind that both parties have “landmines” that are waiting to be stepped on and blow the relationship to smithereens (not the band Smithereens, LOL).
- Now take a few minutes to generate every idea you can about ways you could have prevented the misunderstanding or dealt with it more effectively. Notice what you see now that you might not have seen then. Make a note to self: Do more of what works next time. Perspective helps lower defensiveness.
- Schedule10 minutes when you can look at yourself in the mirror and have a conversation with you. Here’s how it works.
- Start by looking at yourself and say, “ I want to become the best version of me I can.”
b.Speak these words to your reflection, “I have a good heart and do not want to hurt or confuse anyone.” Repeat the statement at lease 5x. Notice what that feels like to hear.
c.Then say, “What I want to happen when I communicate with others is_______________________.” Fill in the blank with what is true for you.
d.Almost done. Breathe a few slow breaths that are slightly deeper than normal. Then a final exhale. Feel whatever energy flows through you. Energy flowing through our bio-energetic fields around our body helps us know whether we are aligned with our values and purpose. Sometimes a little attunement is necessary.
e.Now, take a moment to write what happened, what you became aware of or were surprised by. Close with a short statement about what you learned about yourself that might be useful in future communications. This part is very important as a means of anchoring the awareness in long term memory.
Thank you for being brave enough to do something experiential rather than just informational. Pat yourself on the back.
Keywords: distortion, relationship connection, empathy, ambiguity, couples, communication, exercise, self-talk in mirror, better version of self